What makes you think you can run a 5k in a 20 lb weight vest?

Title says it all but I'll say some more.  This was from the July 4th Sportspectrum Firecracker 5k.  We finished in 24 minutes and change if I remember correctly.  Yeah, I know . . . who does this?  But really, how many 5ks can one do in a given year?  They get boring.  Sometimes you need to mix it up a bit . . .

When Will said he was going to bring some weight vests, I thought he meant the cool looking kind, all sleek and 100% black and velcro straps and just plain sweet.  Nope, he meant these.  Weight vests shouldn't be any color except for black, nor should they have pockets for your mp3 player (and if they do, then the pocket shouldn't be labeled "hey, look at me, I'm the little bitty pocket for your mp3 player, see my headphones symbol?").  Admittedly, I used the mp3 pocket.  And my playlist burnt holes in my eardrums because it was sweet and had Black Sabbath on it.  But I felt weird using the mp3 pocket THE WHOLE RACE, I swear.

These were all banging up against our sides and ill-fitting, but it made the run more difficult, which I guess was the whole point of this exercise.  Get it . . . exercise?  oh, goodness, lol.  yes, lol.

Next time we're wearing these:

Weight Vest  . . . the sweet looking kind

or something like this (PowerMax http://www.gillathletics.com/store/product.aspx?id=994&d=2):

Really sweet pic of a dude high-steppin in his powermax vest

With a Little Help From My Friends

Sunrise, facing South-Southeast from the Texas Street Bridge, 5.17.11 at about 6:30 a.m.

So it's done.  I turned 30 and I'm none the wiser.  But I did run 16 miles on May 17th to work at the Bossier Parish Courthouse, I worked a full day (in compression socks, of course), and after the docket was done, I ran 14 miles from the Courthouse to Bear's for some drinks with some good buddies.  Pretty cool to have some friends that are willing to drink beer until 10pm on a Tuesday to celebrate my birthday.

The 16 miler took 2 hours and 15 minutes (no stops), and the 14 miler took 2 hours 10 minutes (a couple of stops for water, Snickers, Powerade, and some filming).

Adam Causey filmed the morning run and the footage looks downright professional.  I filmed the afternoon run and it looks pretty sorry.  I hope my editing does Adama's video skills justice, I'll keep my footage to a minimum, and I will have that posted asap.  Cannot thank him enough. 



Adam eating a sandwich.  Thank you Facebook.  Dude can film.



Mike McHalffey and I barely know each other, but I run with his downtown crew now and then, and we see each other at races around Shreveport and New Orleans.  He runs with a group that leaves the YMCA everyday at noon -- two weeks ago I ran with those guys, told them what I was up to, and Mike said he was game for the afternoon leg of the 30-miler.  He said he'd be at the Bossier Public Defender's Office at 4pm ready to run.  And he was.  Awesome. 

I have a feeling you'll see his name again on this blog . . .



McHalffey:  UltraMarathoner, IronMan, Team Cyco co-founder.  Dude can run.

Adam met us at foot of the Texas Street Bridge on the Bossier side around 6pm that afternoon and the 3 of us trucked on to Bear's.

Sunrise from Texas Street Bridge facing West

Sunrise facing South-Southwest

My favorite picture from that morning.  The video looks really cool too (thanks Adam).

Really appreciate Adam and Mike and all the folks that came out to Bear's.  Thanks for a great 30th Birthday.

A great day for a run, and a great way to start being all mature and stuff. 

Maturity: I will soon be wiser than everyone in their 20s.



26th Judicial District Courthouse, Bossier Parish, Benton, Louisiana

HERE'S THE PLAN:


1.     I turn 30 on May 17th, 2011. 

2.     I am an indigent defender and I have a full day of court on my 30th birthday. 

3.     The courthouse (pictured above) is 16.2 miles from my house. 
4.     I am going to run to work.
5.     I am going to run home from work, too.  But I'm stopping at mile 14.  At Bear's.
6.     Bear's is a bar and it's a good place to stop if you're thirsty.
7.     It's 14 miles from the Courthouse to Bear's.
8.     My public schooling tells me that's 30 miles.

-Compression socks?  Check. 
-Inov-8s?  Check. 
-Body Glide?  Check. 
-Playlist full of Genesis, Natalie Merchant, and Sting? (Maturity, deal with it.)  Check. 
-Friends to meet me at Bears on a Tuesday afternoon?  Facebook.
-Is there a shower at the public defender office?  No.  Ewww.

GAME TIME.

Bear's Oyster Bar

HERE'S THE MAP:

http://maps.google.com/maps?f=d&source=s_d&saddr=26th+judicial+district+court,+benton,+LA&daddr=32.52101,-93.73815+to:32.5089271,-93.7517729+to:3820+fairfield+shreveport,+LA+71104&hl=en&geocode=FXSl8gEdwpxp-iEWwEBm3zyeMym5O3hgs0oxhjEgc2QeIidRiA%3BFTI78AEdWqtp-in7VUxQ0TIxhjHmqUHJ1T5Ukg%3BFf8L8AEdJHZp-illwWAjN802hjGKkpAIoId0cQ%3BFZF-7wEdtntp-ilrXIlZrtI2hjF1B72KDq7CMA&mra=dpe&mrsp=2&sz=15&via=1,2&sll=32.50636,-93.739386&sspn=0.017119,0.032959&ie=UTF8&ll=32.496805,-93.74239&spn=0.017048,0.032959&z=15

Will Thinks His House is Messy; Explains

This is the moment when Will and Alanna met, and though his house is not messy, he thinks it is, and he expains the reason why:

Quit Calling Me a Caveman

So I sent out an email to Will, my mother, and 2 friends (names withheld) in response to frequent and good-humored suggestions that my "Paleo" diet is a fad and/or stupid.  I titled the email "The Scientific explanation that I've never been able to express at the dinner table while you laugh at my "caveman diet" " and it's contained in its entirety below.

*   *   *   *   *   *   *   *   *   *

Why am I receiving this email?  One, because I am bored and I just read the NYT article yesterday and because this discussion arose last night over sushi (and by God . . . I had support at the table from a Cordon Bleu graduate).  And, because:

Will, you're on this email for moral support.  Like me, I know you are easily duped into fads and like to jump on any passing bandwagon without researching the matter with a healthy degree of cynicism.  You and I are gullible clones, and your recent 5k times (1 minute faster than any previous time despite years of endurance & weight training and a "healthy diet") have no correlation to a change in diet & exercise.

FRIEND 1, you're on this email because you call it a fad diet, while abiding by one of its incarnations and simultaneously losing tons of weight without exercise.  Evidence in itself that there's something to the idea that our bodies aren't exactly programmed to metabolize grains, and further, that in the absence of grains, our bodies function more efficiently.

FRIEND 2, since you insist on calling it my "caveman" lifestyle and since your boss thinks it's all genetics, I offer the following.  "Cavemen didn't have soy sauce!"  Please disregard the nutty Californian on Nightline who exercises by pulling his Range Rover which supposedly simulates "pulling a bison out of a cave" . . . always be suspicious of people from the West Coast.  Everyone knows that cavemen didn't have Range Rovers.  They would have driven 4-door Jeeps, obviously.  With big tires.

Mom, to explain why I refuse to take home with me the remainder of the delicious cocunut pie, the brownies, the cookies, and why I eat my roast without the rice.  And because you and dad probably think I'm OCD and crazy.

So . . .

If any of you care to read a 9-page article in the NYT, a 3-page article in Details, and/or listen to (2) one-hour-long science-intensive lectures (one of which put me to sleep but seemed interesting for about 30 minutes), these links explain the science behind my (attempted & often failing) avoidance of potatoes, rice, pasta, bread, soy and dessert.  There is also this:  http://whole9life.com/2009/07/dairy-manifesto/  but I have more compelling reasons to avoid dairy.

i.e., there is plenty of boring science to back up this "fad" diet, most of which i cannot regurgitate even on my best day (and much less during a Thursday night supper club or Friday night over a bottle of wine and broth-soaked bread at Wine Country). 

No one wants to hear this stuff while they're having fun, least of all me.

Short term:  Eating grains & sugar will not kill you, just as smoking will not kill you.  Smoking hinders efficient bodily function and athletic performance, as does eating grains & sugar.  Who really cares except compulsive people like me?

Long term:  Inhalation of carcinogenic smoke over a long period of time will kill you.  Eating sugar (and grains which your body converts to sugar) over a long period of time creates an insulin resistance in your body, and that can kill you.

50 years ago, if one would have postulated that cigarette companies would be held liable for millions in tort damages, the person would have been laughed out of the room.  There is now compelling evidence that soft-drink manufacturers (who will become the scapegoat for an entire diet consisting of too much carbohydrate & sugar) know full well that their product is addictive and (by virtue of its effects on the body) carcinogenic.  I see a class-action in the works by 2021.  Call me crazy.  People still smoke, and people will always drink Coke, but in times ahead there will be warning labels on the cans.  Watch.  There is money to be made . . .

And as April 18th approaches, think of the taxes you will pay with the money that you make, and think of all the unhealthy insulin-resistant people with metabolic syndrome on government healthcare (Medicaid, Medicare, Social Security Disability, SSI, Obamacare) that your tax dollars will support in years to come . . . after your tax dollars were used to provide them with government assistance to buy sugar-and-carb-laden food and receive free lunches of the same makeup.  Just notice the "food stamp eligible" stickers at the grocery store  . . . but that is a topic for another day . . .

Please do not "reply to all"  with derogatory comments . . . my mother is on this email.

http://abcnews.go.com/Health/paleo-diet-meet-caveman-dieters/story?id=13030483 - ABC nightline story about the diet.  Kind of funny.  That reporter needs to lift more weight and eat more meat.

http://www.nytimes.com/2011/04/17/magazine/mag-17Sugar-t.html?pagewanted=1&_r=4&hp - great article about sugar's link to "diabesity" and metabolic syndrome caused by insulin resistance, sugar's link to cancer, and the idea that a high sugar diet (not a high fat diet) is the leading contributor to heart disease.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dBnniua6-oM - long lecture

http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=4362041487661765149 - long lecture

http://www.details.com/style-advice/the-body/201103/carbs-caffeine-food-cocaine-addiction?currentPage=1 - easy reading.

http://whole9life.com/2010/03/the-grain-manifesto/ - why grains are bad


With that said, I'm off to shirtlessly galavant in the carcinogenic sunshine on this beautiful Saturday morning . . .

Grasslands: Ultra Fiasco

By the early part of 2010, Will had run a few marathons.  Somewhere in the neighborhood of eight or ten.  The toughest according to him was Pike's Peak.  (See the "Marathon Man" page.)  I'm assuming it's tough because you run uphill for five hours, but that's just a guess.  Half of the race is downhill so it can't be that hard.  Just saying.

I, on the other hand, had run no marathons, but I was running a lot.  And I was really into CrossFit {more on this later, but doing CrossFit workouts (or WODs, because CF loves acronyms) give you the false impression that you can do anything}.  But most importantly for preparation, I just finished a book.  You may have heard of it:  Born to Run by Christopher McDougall.

http://www.amazon.com/s/ref=nb_sb_noss?url=search-alias%3Daps&field-keywords=born+to+run.

That book should come with a warning label.

I also recently acquired a certain pair of shoes - you may have heard of those, too.  They're made by Vibram (runners in-the-know say "Vee'-bruhm" but ever since I first noticed the small yellow logo on my Red Wing work boots I pronounced this company's name "Vy'-bruhm", and Vy-bruhm sounds cooler and tougher than Vee-bruhm).  They're called "FiveFingers" and some will swear they'll change your life.  http://www.vibram.com/

So, Will signed up for this race:  http://www.nttr.org/grasslands/.  50 miles.  Horse Trails.  A good "beginner ultramarathon."  Flat terrain, dirt trails, sea-level Northeast Texas.  And the best news of all:  you can pitch a tent and camp 100 yards from the starting line!

We pull into the campground just before dark and pitch our tent.  Seventy-or-so degrees, not a cloud in the sky.  Eat some dinner (again with the Born to Run book) consisting of black beans and quinoa.  The Tarahumara eat this way, so should I, right?  I can be just like them!  I can run 50 miles, too!

On really long runs, you eat during the race.  So in preparation for the next day's event, Will and I sit around the campfire and get a 2-man assembly line going.  We make some peanut butter and honey sandwiches, some peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, and put them in ziplocks.  We went through an entire loaf of bread making these sandwiches.  Probably had 15 in all.  Like either one of us could consume more than 4 PBJs in a day.  We tend to overdo everything. 

Get in the tent, go to bed.  Will stays up a little later and reads Born to Run.

By midnight, it's raining.  Pouring.  Very few tents are "waterproof" during a thunderstorm and this tent was no exception.  It kept us dry enough . . . but sleeping outdoors in torrential rainfall and thunder is somewhat difficult.  We've done this before . . . not our first rodeo sleeping in the rain . . . nothing we can't handle . . . all about the adventure, right?  Seems to be getting colder.

Out of bed by 6:30, race starts at 7 or 7:30, it's totally black outside.  It's also about 25 degrees.  There was a temperature drop of over 30-degrees since we parked the truck. 

Completely dark.  What to wear for a 50 mile run?  Where's my Body Glide?  It's cold, should I wear a jacket?  Which of the 4 pairs of shoes shall I wear for my first ultramarathon?  It really is cold.  I wonder if the trail is going to be muddy?  I'm getting dressed halfway-in and halfway-out of the Avalanche, in the rain.  Long SmartWool socks.  I'm actually putting on my "baselayer" that I wear when snowboarding.  And a light fleece.  And a waterproof ski jacket.  Except for the shorts, I'm wearing exactly what I wear when I'm boarding on a mountain.  It's that cold.

Head to the starting line where a group of freezing people in very technical looking running gear have gathered around a table serving HOT COFFEE.  The best and most necessary coffee I've ever had.  Hmm, that rain sure is coming down.  People have headlamps, flashlights, shoes that look waterproof, jackets that look like they're not meant to ski in.  Like running jackets, for rainy days.  Beanies on their heads - I mean these people came prepared.  Runner-people have a certain look about them, too.  These people all had that look.  Some came for the half-marathon, some for the full marathon, and then of course there were the 50-milers.  These were runner-people. 

I go to the goodie bag table - one (1) long sleeve dry-fit t-shirt.  That's what I get for driving 4 hours, sleeping in the rain, and running a 50-mile race.  1 long sleeve t-shirt.  But it's Patagonia, and it looks really cool.  So whatever.

Runners are allowed to bring a "drop bag" and place it around the Start/Finish line.  This race has five "loops" and every loop starts and finishes in the same location.  The first loop is a 5-mile "correction loop" to make the race a full 50-miler, and the next four loops are anywhere between 8 and 15 miles.

So your drop bag needs to have all the necessary stuff in it that you might need (change of socks/shoes, extra food, shirts, shorts, etc.).  Again, these people came prepared - there were some waterproof bags out there.  Nope, not mine.  I put my drop bag where I was told - in the middle of the rain on a tarp.  No cover. 

Nervous excitement.  Runner people laughing, smiling, anticipation of the coming kick-off.  Will says he's got to run to the port-a-potty before the start.  He takes the flashlight with him.

In the most unofficial, nonchalant manner I have ever witnessed, the race director tells the 50-miler group that it's time to start.  The starting "gun" was actually a guy saying "OK, 50-milers, GO!"  Everyone takes off.  There is no Will.  It's pitch-black dark outside.  There are 3 clusters of port-a-potties near the start line, each cluster separated by about 100 yards.   I start banging on the doors.

"WILL!  WILL!  YOU IN THERE?"  On every single port-a-potty out there.  Run to the next cluster of potties:  "WILL!  WILL!  YOU IN THERE? THE RACE JUST STARTED.  DUDE.  WHERE ARE YOU?"

Will has the flashlight.  Will is nowhere to be seen.  5 minutes after the start of the race, I start without him.  And without a flashlight.  And it's raining.

Miles 0 - 4.8 / Rain becomes Sleet

Loop 1 is an out-and-back.  I start the race 5 minutes behind everyone else, feeling guilty that somehow I left Will in a port-a-potty, thinking he's probably pretty angry with me right now. 

The trail is slick.  Light brown mud, and "horse trails" is evidently slang for "ditch that collects water and has steep sides."  The mud was cold and the area on either side of the trail was full of thorny bushes and tangled brier.  Your options were to either (a) run along side the trail and expend copious amounts of energy on strategic foot placement, or (b) run in the middle of the ditch and get your feet soaking wet with freezing cold muddy water.  For over 2 miles, I opted for "a".  Slow pace, moving at about 10 minute miles.  Eventually I switched to "b" but in the last twelve months I have not yet decided which of the 2 options was best.  They were both miserable options.

By this time, the front-runners were heading back to home base (they had run the "out" and were now heading "back" on the out-and-back course).  I'm still running the "out".

I see Will's bright yellow jacket that he got in the Pike's Peak Marathon goodie bag.  "DUDE.  You left me!"

"Well I opened the door to the port-a-potty and all these runners were going by, so I figured the race had started.  I jumped in with them."

"Wait for me back at the drop-bags."

Almost an hour after the race started, we're back at home base.  "That 5 mile run just took us 50 minutes." 

"Those trails suck."

"It's sleeting.  Or snowing.  It's freezing.  My feet are freezing."

It was at this moment I decided to wear gloves.  The only gloves I brought.  They were white tuxedo gloves that I bought for $10.00 and had to wear for a Mardi Gras ball a few years earlier.  They were not the super-duper technical waterproof/breathable running gloves donned by so many of the runner-people on that miserable March morning.  They looked like Mickey Mouse hands.

Miles 4.8 - 18.3 / Sleet becomes Snow

Will and I agreed to stick together for the next loop.  We were caught here in the same picture:

At some point, we were running with a pack of guys, many of whom had run ultras before.  They were telling us that there's no need to go fast on a 50-mile race, you're going to be out there all day regardless of your pace.  I heed the warning.

Will speeds up, and I slow down.  Somewhere in that second loop I remember yelling "Will, we've got 40 miles to go, man.  There's no need to get in a hurry."  Will leaves me.

Option "b" :  run right through the middle of the ditch.

The snow is pretty in this picture, but this photo conjures some bad memories:

Great guy, cannot remember his name.  He had the right idea, though.  Slow and steady.  He was run/walking very early on but had every intention on finishing the race.  This was not his first rodeo:

Horrible memories here:

Miles 18.3 - 31.1

Loop 3:  Let the walking begin.  By the third loop I was miserable.  Very few people were on the trail (the first couple of loops included the full- and half-marathoners so you weren't all alone in the abyss of the Texas landscape).  So it's sleeting/snowing, it's cold.  You're on your 2nd pair of socks and your 2nd pair of shoes.  You've been running this race for about 5 hours and you're not even half-way finished.

Outlook of finishing is bleak at best.  Misery sets in.  The pictures on the website showed windmills and sunshine.  The reality was stark grey.  Flat land.  And cold.

I have made up my mind that I am not running anymore.  My feet are ice blocks.  I cannot feel my feet.  They are swollen and they feel round.  They wouldn't flex and move and my ankles felt as if they were locked into place.  This was no longer a "run" . . . it was a forced march through a watery and cold ditch.

I might not even go tell the race directors that I quit.  I might go straight to the camp site and get a beer.  I want to go to sleep.  So terribly miserable.  I am not running the remaining 19 miles.  I am done. 

I haven't seen Will since the midway point of Loop 2.  He was running fast enough and looked to be in good enough spirits and shape to finish this godawful race.  I just knew he was going to finish it and I was going to be the quitter.  Felt terrible.  I had been on the trails for 9 hours and I knew that Will was going to be on his fourth loop, dead-set on getting through it and moving on to the last loop, and that I was going to be forced to await his arrival while sitting in the cold at the campsite. 

I thought about how tired I was, and how exhausted he was going to be.  We were going to have to get a hotel room in Denton because it would not be safe to attempt the drive home. 

I come out of the woods and onto the road nearing the end of loop 3.  Maybe a quarter mile from the home base.  I see a Chevy Avalanche with its lights on, pointing directly at the trail.  Almost a "too good to be true" moment, kind of like spotting an oasis in the desert, I think "that can't be Will, that can't be Will, no way."

"Aw man I'm glad to see you.  I've been waiting here for you for an hour.  I thought somehow I missed you and that you'd started the 4th loop."  It's Will.  He quit at mile 31.  Thank God.  "I was about to put on my running shoes again and get on the 4th loop.  I just knew you had kept going."

"No, I'm done.  Let's pack up that camp site and get the hell out of here."  Nine hours after the start of the race, Will brought me to the base camp and I told the directors that I quit (they were not surprised). 

Fifty people signed up for the 50-mile race at Grasslands that year.  Six people finished.  Forty-four quit the race.

On the way back to Shreveport that night, Will said out loud what was in both of our heads:  "You know, that's the first thing I've ever really tried to do and failed.  I mean . . . I just couldn't do it."

That thought lingered in my head for months. 

Twelve months later it was raining at the start of the Rouge/Orleans 126.2-mile relay from Baton Rouge to New Orleans, along the Mississippi River levee.  This time, it wasn't a cold muddy ditch that hurt our feet, it was big jagged gravel.

Again, Will and I attempt to run an ultra-marathon.  But this time we finished.

Swimming Across the Mississippi River

Ruskey, Ellis & William after the feat

And You Call This Fun?

A canoe trip that has been done thousands of times…not much of an adventure. Where’s the satisfaction in doing what you know for certain can be completed?  The trip would be a social event – but it had so much more potential. The feeling inside of me was of a kid watching from his bedroom window at friends having a blast on the new slip-n-slide. “What could be, but won’t happen”

I was going with a group to canoe down the Mississippi River. First off, I didn’t plan the trip so I knew there was no way we are paddling on the Mississippi. What about the stories my Mom told me about staying away from rivers? They will kill you. Fisherman said whirlpools stopped their boat in an instant almost pulling the entire boat under? Or what about those logs that get pulled under and shot out like an arrow? So I came to the conclusion they were wrong and we would be going down a tributary along side the Mississippi.

I usually don’t do trips unless it involves doing nothing at the beach or is an extreme adventure – one extreme or the other, nothing in between. It was time to put my anxiety about wasting a weekend doing something that thousands have already done behind me and enjoy time with friends – it bothers me to even say that, sit there and just talk??

Life is about two things - God and relationships on Earth. So I need to get better at just sitting and talking and riding in a bus for hours to go on a trip that takes an entire weekend all for the purpose of paddling down a stream that again, has been done and done and done…

The Guide

The Guide - John Ruskey

So on the way to Helena, Arkansas, a guy with us googled the name of the river guide that was supposedly taking us down the Mississippi. John Ruskey. And that was the turning point. This cat had basically lived on the Mississippi for the last 30 years. He has paddled the largest rivers in North America from one end to the other…And then my big break came…this guy has brought people out to swim across the Mississippi River! Now I’m no longer anxious about wasting two days of my life on an expedition that has already been done thousands of times, I’m anxious that not only will I be repeating history for the 5,000^th time, but the opportunity to do what few have done will be sitting right under my nose.

Ruskey got started on the river when he and a friend – inspired by The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn - built a raft out of salvage material and paddled from Minnesota to Louisiana. Ruskey had stints in Colorado and Austin but winded up in Clarksdale, Mississippi playing the blues while spending 30 years on the Mississippi. Ruskey has been on explorations all over North America but “Nowhere have I felt as powerfully that feeling of something much greater than me at work then when I feel the fluid motions of that big channel of water. I feel it stronger in the Mississippi then I have in paddling the Pacific Ocean, the Straits of Juan de Fuca, or paddling behind Victoria Island".

“Mississippi Wandering” with John Ruskey

“We All Live Downstream” with Ellis Coleman, Ruskey’s partner

Ruskey describes what one will see on the river: “You will see the third biggest river in the world as it slowly and implacably pours out of the heart of America and winds endlessly towards the gulf of mexico, unheedful of gravity, pursuing strange serpentine pathways through the mud and clay and sand.”

Helena, AR is a small town in southeast Arkansas. Ruskey’s guide service, Quapaw Canoe Company, is based out of an old brick building that appears to have once been a factory. The building is wide open like an empty warehouse. It is filled with hand carved canoes that carry two people and others that carry ten. One of the canoes we took out is a ten person canoe named the Voyager.

The Question

Alright, so how does one go about asking permission to swim across the Mississippi River? If you can’t get the guide alone, you blurt it out in front of everyone and wait for the dead silence at the foolishness of the question.

“Can I swim it?”

“Sure”

“ok”

That could be the most unusual question I’ve ever asked someone. Followed by thoughts of doesn’t the river current need to be right, does it need to be a certain time of year, can we do it from any location? Shouldn’t the factors be perfect to swim? I mean, how do you answer a question like that with “sure”?

Choosing a Spot

Ruskey knew I was serious but didn’t think I would do it. Similar to the people that are going to start the gym next Monday – they are serious at the time but never do it. Ruskey tells me you can swim the river anywhere and anytime. Where’s the logic in that? But the best place to swim is to start on a straight of way that leads into a river bend. Start on the same side of the river as the inside of the bend. As the current is pushing you down stream it will tend to push you from the starting bank (bank on the inside of the bend) and send you to the opposite side (outside bank).

Within ten minutes of getting on the River we stopped on a sand bar. Rusky said this is a good place to swim. Shouldn’t we look for a better place? You’re telling me we are going to be on the river for 6+ hours and within 10 minutes this is the best place you can find? Do you settle on a girl at 10pm when the bar doesn’t close until 6am? (a reference to long time ago – long, long time ago). Oh well, here we go.

The Crossing

The first thirty feet feels like a lake – no moving water. Then I hit the channel where the river is moving 200 – 700 thousand cubic feet per second making it the tenth most powerful river in the world. Underwater sounds like a bunch of crackling – like not catching a signal on an analog TV. A river guide said it was the multi trillion sediment particles hitting together but that is about as scientific an answer as Ruskey saying “oh yeah, this is a good spot ”. At this point in the story, let me clarifier a few questions in your head – no I didn’t have a life jacket or safety device, I didn’t train for this (other than CrossFit which trains one for whatever life throws at you or swimming the Mississippi), I had only swam about half this distance in my life. Anything that would make this decision seem less foolish, I did not do.

Thirty minutes prior, the thought of swimming the Mississippi was non existent.

I oriented my body towards the opposite bank so my motions were as if I were swimming straight across but the current was driving me down stream.

Turbulence

Growing up in a small City on the Red River, I was familiar with the vision from a bridge of turbulent flow in a river. I’m not saying it is ok to jump in a whirlpool, but it is possible to swim through the turbulence. Now Ruskey – with all the reassurance he provided up to this point - said that it may pull me under but it would shoot me right back up – that made me feel safe. The movements you see in the river are eddies and boils. Boils look like boiling water from the surface and are caused by water rebounding off the river bottom. An eddy is a place where the water is moving in a different direction or speed than the main current. Eddies are made by rocks, outcroppings along the side, behind logs, bridge pilings, and on the inside of bends or along the side of the river. The boils knocked me around and even threw me into the side of the canoe that Ruskey followed me in.

Halfway

You want to experience a surreal feeling? Stop halfway across and tread water…in the middle of the Mississippi River. I don’t think anyone timed this event but it was about 25 minutes to get halfway across and the river had brought me downstream about 1 mile. The width of the river was ¾ to 1 mile.

The finale

I get 30 ft from the river bank – finish line – and I wasn’t going to make it. The harder I pushed, the more the distance to the finish line increased. A boil was pushing me back. I had just come within two minutes of swimming across the third largest river in the world. Rusk hollered to fight through the current. With all my remaining energy, I pushed through the boil and it shot me out the other side. A tree branch was close enough to grab and pull myself to the bank – actually, I never made it to the bank. I justified the tree was connected to the bank so I was finished. The guys pulled me into the canoe, I laid out and Rusk casually paddled on because swimming across the Mississppi is a normal occurrence. Half an hour later at the next sandbar stop, Ruskey came over, shook my hand and offered his congratulations. 

“You know in 30 years of being out on this river, I’ve only known half a dozen people to do that”.

“Really? Really!? Because, you made it sound like it was no big deal when I decided to do this nonsense!”

Then he clarified “No, maybe a dozen”.

----------- 

“Books may inspire, but it’s the actual doing – the physical participation – of something that’s the real teacher.” John Ruskey

2008: A Kayak Odyssey

Never again.  Never ever again.

This is the adventure that started it all.  I was splitting time between Hammond and Shreveport in the process of changing jobs, and the weekly commute brought me through Alexandria.  Called William:  "You want to go for a run this week?  I'll be coming through Alec."

Mid run, me:  "Isn't that the Red River?"  Will:  "Yeah."  Me:  "I run by the Red River in Shreveport.  I wonder how long it would take to kayak from Shreveport to Alexandria on that river?"  Will:  "Don't know."

There is a danger of suggesting anything to William Albritton that could pose a challenge. 

Email from William Albritton to Josh Clayton, Patrick Reesby, and Trey Touchstone, July 15, 2008:

I included people on this email I thought may be interested in doing the following-which is not many. Forward to anyone else that may do this.

I’d like to kayak down the Red River from Shreveport to Alexandria. Clayton, you mentioned this the other day and may have been joking. Regardless, if I can get someone to do it with me I’m going to do it. I’d like to go on one of the next few weekends. This will be hard but fun (that’s what she said).

The length of the river is about 120-130 miles from Shrev. to Alex. I don’t know how fast a kayak travels but we would be going with the flow of the river so I think we go 10 miles an hour which would make the trip 12 hours. We could leave on a Saturday morning around 6am from Shrev. Worst case, it may take longer and require sleeping on a beach and finishing Sunday. The only obstacle would be one lock and dam in Colfax but we could either pass though it or walk around it. You can get a kayak for around $200 or borrow one.

Let me know if you’re interested.

*   *   *   *   *   *   *   *   *   *   *   *   *   *   *   *

The funniest parts of that email are highlighted.

Patrick Reesby replies to all:

Count me in! Sounds like a blast.

I reply to all:

I'm in.  I was not joking.  actually mentioned it yesterday to someone in my office.

will:  pick 2 or 3 weekends that work for you.  reesby, and hopefully trey, and I can decide on one. 

I'll pick you up in alex and bring you back to shreveport on a friday afternoon.  you can park your truck close to the river.

William replies to all and suggests August 2nd.  Pertinent part contained below:

Awesome! I’m fired up about this. I wasn’t sure if anyone would do it.

Trey replies to all.  (in pertinent part):

It does sound like a good time. 

Ongoing discussions ensue:  kayak purchasing, river navigability, the donning of helmets & life-vests, logistical planning, etc.

Patrick replies to all:

I’m pretty fired up, this should be a good time.

*   *   *   *   *   *   *   *   *   *   *

Side note:  this turned out to be two of the worst days of my life, and Will will say the same.

*   *   *   *   *   *   *   *   *   *   *

Patrick replies to all:

………..or the dumbest thing we have ever done!

Will:

I’m with you on being fired up. I think something must be wrong with me.

Patrick:

I guess bringing beer would be a terrible idea, but it would be kind of fun to stop by any watering holes we come across.

Will:

I was wondering about beer. If we realize it is going to be easier than we think, I know someone in Natchitoches that could bring us beer when we pass through. 

Trey, voice of reason:

I don’t think it’ll be very easy…but we’ll probably have to have some beer. 

Josh, voice of pessimism:

my vote is to bring easily transportable money and buy beer if we stop for the night in colfax or something.  it's gonna be hard, hot, and we're going to have to bring water which will already weigh us down.

paddling for 1 hour straight is pretty hard.  we'll be paddling in the sun, all day.  buy gloves. 

*   *   *   *   *   *   *   *   *   *   *   *   *   *   *   *   *   *   *

Side note:  We had no idea how bad this was going to suck.  NO IDEA.

*   *   *   *   *   *   *   *   *   *   *   *   *   *   *   *   *   *   *

There was even discussion of canoes vs. kayaks.

Will email to all:

I really hate any time over one hour I have ever spent in a canoe so I vote we stick with kayaks. We may look like dumba$$e$ going to the red in a kayak but we will look like nerds in canoes.
 

Josh email to all:

canoes = total nerds.

kayaks = awesome if we act like we know what we're doing.

TEST RUN:  MONDAY, JULY 21, 2008

Email to all from Will:

I’m going 10 miles down the river after work today to time it. I’m confident we can make it in a weekend but my trip this afternoon will verify that. I went kayaking for about 2 hours yesterday in a lake. It takes about 20 minutes to get used to. I compare the comfort level to sitting in a car (one like my truck with 240,000 miles on it-not a luxury vehicle). I looked at maps and there are one or two turns that we could accidentally take but both routes end up in the same location-it would not require turning around and back tracking.

I agree that we have done way more dangerous things. I’ve ridden a bike from Alex to BR and had only been on a bike 5 times before and had never ridden more than 30 miles-I’m saying this to make the point that preparation is way overrated. My plan is that 2 weeks from now I’ll be sun burnt sitting at this desk sending out an email about a great trip.
*   *   *   *   *   *   *   *   *   *   *   *   *   *   *   *   *   *   *

I read this email and make plans to be in Alexandria that day.  I buy a kayak from Academy.  $200.  Paddle was $100 or so, but it looked really sweet:  black handle, yellow paddles, light as a feather. 

I emailed everyone:

here's my paddle; academy in alex. has for $100; s'port dick's has for $150.  It's a Carlisle Magic.  contain your jealousy:

Monday evening around 6 pm, Will and I put our kayaks in the Red River in Alexandria.  Test run:  10 miles down the river with plenty of daylight to spare, because this shouldn't take us more than an hour, hour-and-a-half, tops.

2 hours later, we're paddling in the dark.  When we stopped paddling, our boats would literally stop.  Then they would slowly turn sideways, sometimes turning 180 degrees and point upstream.

July 22, 2008, Josh email to all (the trip's distance gets cut in half):

9.25 miles per google earth.  2 hours, 50 minutes per my watch.

it will take us 2 days to get from s'port to natchitoches, or from natch to alexandria.  colfax is a good spot to stop.

judging by yesterday's north-bound current, we may opt for a natchitoches to shreveport trip?

Will, still optimistic, emails all:

I’m going to test out a 10 mile run again this week going north bound. I was disappointed in our performance yesterday but hopefully northbound will be quicker and easier. I hate to admit it, but since there is no current, it looks like we will have to cut the trip in half. As Clayton said, be thinking about rather we would want to go Shrev. to Natch., Natch to Alex or Alex to Natch, Natch to Shrev.

TREY BACKS OUT.  REESBY BACKS OUT.

Will, in a last ditch effort to save the trip, sends out one of the greatest emails of all time (aka "Will throws down the gauntlet"):

If anyone is still interested, here is my plan. First is to get another kayak like the one Clayton got. The one I bought is similar except that it feels like I am pulling a rock dragging on the bottom of the river. Next is to leave Sat morning from Alex or Natch and finish in Alex or Natch by noon on Sunday. Feel free to do part of the trip if you don’t want to do the entire length.

Which of the three scenarios listed below would be the easiest?

1. Exiting a Higgins boat on June 6, 1944 (D-Day).  Before your first step in the freezing Mediterranean Sea, shots are already hitting against the side of the boat.  Fellow comrades next to you are falling with every step.  Once upon the beach, you must climb a 50 ft. concrete wall constructed by the enemy to make for an “easier” victory.  You not only win this battle, which most thought was not possible, but forever take control of the most famous war and keep your nation’s freedom along with the world’s freedom.

2. Below freezing conditions, snow and ice, and no shoes or food. You are notified that your fellow comrades are in desperate need of fresh soldiers and ammunition.  With this information, you march over 150 miles, non-stop, day and night, until you reach and then conquer the British for your freedom at the Battle of Valley Forge.

3. A leisure, for pleasure only, 60 mile kayak trip down the Red River that will take less than 36 hours and involves socializing with friends and possibly alcoholic beverages. 

Josh heeds the call (WARNING:  sexist comment ahead):

alright, eff the dumb &*^%.  I'll go two days.  and I'll go from natch to alexandria.

here's my plan:  leave covington around 11, pack some stuff in hammond, get to alexandria before 5.  we need to go to the grocery and to academy and get supplies, then pack a truck to drive to natch.

sat a.m.:  drop off truck in alexandria, drive to natchitoches.  put boat in water by 6:30.

sunday:  bitch like a woman for 12 hours.

Will:

Hell yeah! The best part is the trip will be tougher than we can imagine.

Josh:

not a snowball's chance in hell that we'll finish before 5pm on sunday.

*   *   *   *   *   *   *   *   *   *   *   *   *   *   *   *

SATURDAY, AUGUST 2, 2008:  BOATS IN THE WATER



Foolishness.





Naivete.

So we start paddling.  And we continue paddling.  And the paddling never stops.  Take a picture.  Eat a Clif Bar.  Paddle some more.  Stop paddling?  Your boat stops, then slowly turns around, faces upriver.

Eventually, I look over at shirtless Will, and he's kind of slumped over.  104 degrees (http://www.wunderground.com/history/airport/KAEX/2008/8/2/DailyHistory.html?req_city=NA&req_state=NA&req_statename=NA) 

Scalding misery.  I ask Will if he's feeling alright - suggest we get out of the sun for an hour or so (during the hottest part of the day).
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                             

Actual	Average	Record

Temperature
Mean Temperature	91 °F	84 °F
Max Temperature	104 °F	94 °F	107 °F (1998)
Min Temperature	77 °F	74 °F	63 °F (1965)

We pull our boats onto land, make our way under a barbed wire fence, and commence to lay out our sleeping mats for a mid-afternoon luncheon/nap.  No joke.  A nap.  We set the alarms on our watches and everything.

Wake up.  Keep going.  10 hours after this nightmare started, we are bombarded by waves coming against our boats in the opposite direction of our travels:  the lock and dam at Colfax was opened up, unleashing additional misery to impede our progress.  The nightmare continues.  Pull our boats out of the water, start dragging them toward what looks to be our resting spot in Colfax.  Day 1, finally over.  Oh wait, William still has to do his daily run of 3 miles or more.

THE STREAK

Will can further elaborate on this topic, but he kept alive a running streak of 3-or-more miles per day, every day, that's EVERY DAY, for a period in excess of two years, maybe more.  I was witness to a bachelor party in Talladega in the spring of 2007 where he kept this streak alive.  He got some or all of his MBA during this streak (a degree which required twice-monthly weekend trips to Tulane in New Orleans, a 3-hour drive from his home).  He went to China during this streak (I think a long plane flight required 2 separate runs on the date of his arrival, but I may have made this up).  He went to Chile and possibly Argentina during this streak.  And, he kayaked the Red River during this streak.  I was there.  I ran with him after day 1.  We went for a 26+ minute run that we estimated to be around 3 miles.  I did not run with him after the second day, but rest assured, he ran.  "I'll end the streak when I want to end the streak, but I don't want something to make me end the streak, like a kayak trip."

COLFAX, AUGUST 2, 2008

A nice campground for RVs and Camper trailers awaited our arrival in Colfax, halfway between Natchitoches and Alexandria.  Actual bathrooms, running water, a concrete pavillion with a rooftop over a concrete picnic area with a wonderful view of our favorite river.

We met some of the folks there, told them what we were doing, and they offered us beer, which we declined.  We went for a run.  We looked completely ridiculous.

Ate some of the tuna & salmon packs that we brought ("mmm, these are kinda good").  Very little could fit into the kayak dry-box.  We packed almonds, Clif Bars, Power Bars, apples/oranges/bananas, and pouches of tuna and salmon.  We had containers full of water that fit behind the seat of the kayak in the back of the hull - and by Colfax those containers were almost dried up. 

Brush teeth, wash face, time to get the sleeping mats and mosquito net ready for sleep in the grass next to the pavillion.  Rolled up fleece for a pillow.  Asleep by 10:30.

1:30 or 2:00 a.m.  Wake up with wind blowing all around us.  Wind blowing our hats and sunglasses off the picnic tables and toward the river.  T-shirts flying toward the water.  We get up and race to get everything before it hits the water.  Rain.

Move everything under the pavillion.  Rain blowing in from the side of the pavillion, so the roof doesn't help.  Everything soaked.  Try to sleep on the downwind side of the kayak, under the pavillion, on the concrete, to keep from getting wet.  Cold now, put the fleece on, roll up a shirt for a pillow.  Soaked.  Lightning.   http://www.wunderground.com/history/airport/KAEX/2008/8/3/DailyHistory.html

Time (CDT)	Temp.	Dew Point	Humidity	Sea Level Pressure	Visibility	Wind Dir	Wind Speed	Gust Speed	Precip	Events	Conditions

12:53 AM	84.0 °F	75.0 °F	74%	29.89 in	10.0 miles	Calm	Calm	-	N/A		Clear
1:53 AM	82.0 °F	75.9 °F	82%	29.90 in	10.0 miles	Calm	Calm	-	N/A		Partly Cloudy
2:23 AM	80.6 °F	69.8 °F	70%	29.96 in	9.0 miles	East	29.9 mph	42.6 mph	0.01 in	Thunderstorm	Scattered Clouds
2:47 AM	73.4 °F	68.0 °F	83%	29.98 in	2.5 miles	ENE	24.2 mph	38.0 mph	0.12 in	Rain , Thunderstorm	Heavy Thunderstorms and Rain
2:53 AM	72.0 °F	68.0 °F	87%	30.00 in	1.5 miles	ENE	20.7 mph	35.7 mph	0.26 in	Rain , Thunderstorm	Heavy Thunderstorms and Rain
2:59 AM	71.6 °F	69.8 °F	94%	30.00 in	2.0 miles	ENE	17.3 mph	34.5 mph	0.06 in	Rain , Thunderstorm	Heavy Thunderstorms and Rain
3:16 AM	71.6 °F	-	N/A%	30.02 in	4.0 miles	NE	12.7 mph	23.0 mph	0.15 in	Rain , Thunderstorm	Thunderstorms and Rain
3:24 AM	71.6 °F	-	N/A%	30.02 in	6.0 miles	East	13.8 mph	27.6 mph	0.18 in	Rain , Thunderstorm	Thunderstorms and Rain
3:36 AM	71.6 °F	-	N/A%	30.00 in	2.5 miles	East	9.2 mph	-	0.33 in	Rain , Thunderstorm	Heavy Thunderstorms and Rain
3:38 AM	71.6 °F	-	N/A%	30.00 in	3.0 miles	East	8.1 mph	-	0.34 in	Rain , Thunderstorm	Heavy Thunderstorms and Rain
3:53 AM	73.0 °F	-	N/A%	29.96 in	7.0 miles	SE	13.8 mph	-	0.40 in	Rain , Thunderstorm	Light Thunderstorms and Rain

Man appears:  "You boys okay?"  Will:  "Yessir, we're fine."  Man:  "You sure you don't want to come stay with us?"  Will:  "No thanks, we're okay."  Man:  "Alright, suit yourselves."

Me:  "Sure was a nice guy to offer up his camper to us."  

Will:  "That was my dad."  I was completely out of it - I had met his dad numerous times, but had no idea that Man was his dad.  I was half asleep during this whole conversation.

Me:  "Wait, you mean . . ."

Will:  "Yeah, he was offering to take us home."

Me:  "We could have ended this thing right now?"

Will:  "Yeah." 

Me:  "I'm glad I didn't know that was him." 

*   *   *   *   *   *   *   *   *   *   *   *   *   *   *   *

DAY 2:  COLFAX TO ALEXANDRIA

1,000,000 words in pictures:

Before we reached the finish line, we would endure yet another lightning storm.  Almost an hour from our stopping point in Alexandria (mind you, this is only about 2 or 3 miles), we had to pull the boats out of the water, lie in the mud, and let the storm pass over.  Icing on the cake.

We finished in the afternoon on Sunday August 3rd.  Even positioning ourselves for the finish-line picture was pure misery:

POSTSCRIPT

During planning emails for another kayak trip down a river in Arkansas two months later (that never materialized), I sent out this Reminder Email:

"I may never get in a kayak again"
--William Albritton, Saturday, August 2, 2008, 11:45 a.m.

"This is f**** horrible.  I hate this s***.  Worst idea ever.  Seriously, what the f*** were we thinking?  Worst trip ever."
--Josh Clayton
Saturday and Sunday, August 2 and 3, 2008. 
often.